"i always get so upset that people have such a bad impression of me or that my parents don't trust me. but if i weren't me, i probably wouldn't trust me either. sometimes it's hard to discern what's good from bad when you're in the act of doing it. debauchery was my life for a significant part of my adolescence and adulthood. and here i am, complaining that i'm not given the respect that only i think i deserve...whether its for better or for worse, i've forgotten about the old me. the me that was so brainwashed by the metaphorical and actual opiates of life. the me that tried to shun all that was actually positive and beneficial to me and turned to whatever would kill me faster. i forget that others HAVEN'T forgotten that me. and this painful reality has led me to conclude that i need to be more conscious and aware that i am seen by others. my actions, my looks, my words...everything that i express is who i am to others. i hate that i have to censor myself in everything that i am but now i know that i AM only how other people perceive me. everything that is inside me, my internal self, my 'true' self means nothing to other people because they don't and will never know who i really am. if i had it my way, i'd say fuck that. fuck you. fuck you and you and you. i don't give a fuck, i'll do what i want to do because this is me and i don't give a fuck what you think. and that is exactly how i've lived my life up till now. i wish i could still live that way but i realize there's just too much at stake. i am too young to know everything. i. just. don't. know. everything. so to live without any type of screen is not the best way to live. what i do out of my own desire may and most likely will affect someone else and sometimes will hurt him or her A LOT, even though that was not my intention. we all share this earth and this life. we are all individuals that make up this unified energy called life and to be selfish enough to do everything and only what i want to do disrupts the energy flow which can only be rectified by the destruction of something or someone else. life is about balance. if i am the visible spike on this line we call life, the only way to neutralize is by negating something or someone else. give and take. that's what life is to me."
it's crazy how i've already changed since i've written this and it wasn't even that long ago. to me THIS was a huge epiphany and it's hilarious how i don't agree with some of it now. perhaps i was lying to myself when i wrote this or maybe i have, in fact, changed...again...somehow. change. change is the only constant in this world. change is what makes life bearable. change. is. beautiful. fuck. i wouldn't get three triangles tattooed on my ribs for nothing.
i guess i still agree with most of it...life is about balance and my actions probably do affect something or someone in one way or another. but this doesn't mean that i have to change myself just so that i don't fuck up the balance. balance is the natural state. i have no control over what happens in the bigger scheme of things. i can do whatever i want to do and why shouldn't i? i'm too young to hold myself back but young enough fuck up and still manage to get right back up and just brush off my shoulders. that is as long as my desires are just naturally in tune with the beautiful instead of the destructive...
