just my words: January 2011

20110131

jealousy is a disease.

jealousy is an ugly disease.

jealousy is an ugly and incurable disease.

20110129

:)

i always doubt my intuition and get myself into the fucking shittiest situations.

i need to stop convincing myself that i'm crazy because i'm not...

i'm just too smart for my own good.

{mama gaga on google}

on the other hand, i found some new inspirational interiors. i can't wait to move out and create a room of my own and kick it with my bitch virginia woolf.

{tumblrs}

and finally...

{tumblr}

i may be rude but i just don't give a flying fuck.

20110127

my morning musings

1) even during the shittiest of times, i can't help but be overwhelmed by the simple beauties of nature. like this:

{a view from my friend's apmt in nyc}

ever since i had that dream couple days ago, snow just seems to hit my soul extra hard. clean, white, untouched snow--it's like nature's glitter...beautiful.

2) maybe it's because i'm a cry-baby but once in awhile, it feels good to just bawl my eyeballs out.

3) is it necessary to stomp so loudly around the house?

4) the pool looks mighty welcoming today...my paleness is starting to scare me. time to take advantage of this cali winter.

{view from my backyard--see the contrast? LOL}

20110126

Dear Greenpeace,

Please stop taking money from my account if you are doing nothing more than handling your income from new donors. I am sick of getting emails notifying me of your never-ending preparation process for whaling interventions (or that the weather in the Atlantic was too brutal for an intervention on that day.) Please stop wasting your time whining and screaming about how things needs to be stopped or shut down and utilize that time to devise some solutions. We already know that the government is run by corporate giants who only have their self interest in mind. We already know that burning coal is environmentally unfriendly. We already know that cutting down rainforests is harmful to the ecosystem and indigenous people. None of us want this beautiful earth we call our home to waste away. But until you can offer some actual solutions, your charades can only be considered empty and counter-productive. I am starting to wonder whether you are, in fact, holding pinkies with the Establishment, running a huge money-making racket by exploiting the guilt-ridden public. Plus, I am broke. So just stop taking money from me. LOL.

Love,
moi.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. All my brain blood was in my boner."

i've been listening to al green all day and he's got me thinking about love. when i think back on all the relationships i've had and all the relationships i've witnessed through my friends, i can only think about how big of a deal those relationships used to be and are now only faint traces of what feels like dreams (or in my case nightmares.) but when it all comes down to it, every romantic relationship is fucking epic. you may be the type who only remembers the good. or you may be the type who only remembers the bad. or you may be the type who only remembers the good right after you break up and then replaces those memories with the worst ones to facilitate the process of forgetting. but we can't deny that at some point, every relationship meant the world to us. and that person meant the world to us. and this is why sometimes i feel so stupid and dull compared to people's previous lovers. but all in all, it's just amazing how the human heart functions when it comes to love...how it can go from complete yearning and desire to apathy in a matter of days, weeks, months, years, whatever. how can we love someone so much at one point and then not care about them at all the next? is that even real love?

to me love should be something beyond romance...even when you're in a romantic relationship. love should be unconditional eternal without expectations unwarranted free. and by this definition, every relationship i've had was essentially loveless (at least on my part.) but i've kind of learned that relationships shouldn't be where i should look for love. actually, no one should ever look for love. it should just naturally bloom as it does in beautiful friendships. love shouldn't be forced or expected to be reciprocated. whatever happens happens. let it be. c'est la vie. oui oui. bonne nuit. <3

{image from someone's tumblr i don't remember lol}

20110123

01.23.11/4:30AM

my brother was in jail for arson and i was reliving his story in my dream as him. I was transported to the moment he was about to set the football on fire to destroy the school but right at that moment my brother (and my cousin Debby who was having problems of her own) turned around to face the world for one last moment and the world was so beautiful. all they--or we--can do was cry violently. there was snow and perfectly dimmed lights casting a soft glow over everything in sight. and at that moment, I--as my brother--somehow knew that everything was going to be alright. I felt a deep calm that I've never ever even felt before in real life...like the feeling you get when you're watching a dumb xmas movie and you know that all conflicts--no matter their weight or triviality--are going to be resolved just because it's the holidays. i wish i could see the world that way every day.

{image from i don't remember where}

outside my window there is a tree

but what i see is a tree barfing glitter.

20110122

damn...

my dream is to be able to dance like that LOL

"who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens"

to all the lonely people in the world:

if you ever need attentive ears or just a shoulder to cry on without having to give a reason, i'm here for you.

love, me.

20110121

the Cowardly Lion asked for just a heart but i'm asking for one cast in Tungsten.

20110118

WHOA

this blog is so negative.

time to refresh!

LOL

20110117

fuck.

today is just one of those days when the easiest things to do all seem like an effort. actually, every fucking thing is an effort today. just as we need space from parents, friends, lovers, whomever from time to time, i feel like i need space from my Life too (if that makes any sense.) i kind of wish we functioned like robots so that we can just turn ourselves off sometimes in order to escape and just refresh ourselves when people and duties become overbearing. but i guess as humans, we were just made to suck it up and deal with things. even if i were to drop everything and just jet it to sao paulo for some me time, i'll eventually have to come back and deal with all the shit that was pissing me off or stressing me out if i really want to achieve some kind of inner peace. i guess it was a good idea for me to start this blog since my usual outlets of frustration have been uninspired of late...another reason why i feel so not stellar these days.

recently i was thinking about how creative i used to be. out of all my friends or family members, i was always the "creative, artsy" one. but when did this change? i feel like i've kind of lost myself in the last couple months...years...so preoccupied with the most pointless, meaningless shit in my life that i've almost completely lost touch with who i used to be. i used to blame my surroundings, convincing myself that i wasn't surrounded by enough inspirational people or things in order to create. but this was a lie because my surroundings have barely changed and inspiration comes from within as much as from some external source. i also blamed school for turning my passion into something academic by assigning projects and conceptualization as homework and as something to be graded. then i thought maybe i was just "growing up"--whatever the fuck that means--and had to reprioritize my life based on an "adult" mentality that somehow excluded what i love to do. but that doesn't make any sense either. in the end, there is only one thing to blame and that is myself--a culmination of laziness, lack of motivation, a cynical lense on the world, and a disease-like ennui that i can only be ashamed of. i just want to see the world through rose-colored glasses again. i just want to regain my appreciation for the most significant to the most negligible things in life. and for a bit, i thought this was possible...but all for the wrong reasons.

only i can change me. that's what i realized. no one--not my friends, not my family, not the love of my fucking life--can hit me over the head with a sledge hammer and tell me that this has got to stop except myself. and i'm telling myself now...this has got to fucking stop.

{source: fashiongonerogue}

everything sweet always comes to an end but only so that it can make room for something sweeter.

mom and dad

i turned into a crying baby the instant i came home and saw my parents. they will always welcome me home with open arms and smiling faces, no matter how i leave or how long i'm gone. i don't think i'll ever understand the kind of love they have for me until i have a kid of my own. hopefully the inevitable awkwardness will soon subside and we'll be able to build a more honest and foundational relationship.

20110110

my room is my sanctuary

maybe it's because my mom is an interior designer but i've always been turned on by such lovely interiors.

{all images from random people's tumblrs}

20110109

"just man up"

i'll be completely honest: i've been slacking. i could be so much further down the road by now but i've been distracted by the petty shit in life. i just really suck at prioritizing and a lot of the times i value short-lived pleasure over long-term satisfaction. i guess that's my biggest problem...being too much of a "in-the-moment," "go-with-the-flow" kind of person. i go with the flow when the flow has no destination so i just end up floating and rotting in stagnant waters. but this has got to stop. i'm a woman with goals in life. with determination. with drive. i have passions. dreams. desires. i need to stop wasting my time and make sure these dreams are realized and see to it that my goals come into fruition. i can't stand being stuck in this slump anymore...i want to live my life as it's supposed to be lived--with fervor and a purpose.

all of this means one thing: i'm going to have to cut out a lot of useless shit from my life. sacrifices. i guess i don't know much about them. i've been blessed and fortunate to say the least. but i'm going to have to make a lot of sacrifices if i want to do what i want to do. i've been naive enough to place importance on the most hopeless shit in my life that aren't going anywhere...but now i know better (i think.) i need to grow the fuck up, acknowledge the truth even if it hurts (because in my heart i know too well what the truth is), and move on. and that is exactly what i will do.

and if anyone has a problem with that, they can go fuck themselves for all i care.

the only honest person in the world...

is something still worth pursuing if you're only duped into feeling happy?

20110107

lusting

Oh. My. Gosh. I knew Burberry Prorsum would be on my radar ever since I saw their iconic fur coats and aviator jackets that were all the rage a couple seasons ago. And they continued to impress me with their simple yet punk barbed wire inspired jewelry and studded-to-the-bone bags. but THIS! this just solidifies my love. whether or not studs are still relevant is not my concern. to me they're still punk as fuck.

(img src: all runway images from style.com; editorial image from fashiongonerogue.com)

sex and gore.

sometime i'm just a big pussy. i wish i had some fucking guts.

{all images from random people's tumblrs}

20110106

Why?

Why not?

20110105

just one more before i go to bed

one thing i can not fucking stand is lying. there's no good that ever comes out of it (despite whatever temporary relief), the truth is bound to come out sooner or later...so why bother? not to mention, my intuition is usually spot on, almost mystical. so just don't do it. especially if you suck at hiding your tracks...don't do it. people often think i'm a ditz but i'm smarter and shrewder and wiser than i look. so please spare yourselves and do not lie. and on top of that, don't try to hide shit either.

let's just all be honest always,
no fronts,
just purely you and purely me.