Loners, be proud.

Dear Loners,

Don't ever fall for the bullshit that you are fed by our collectivist society.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a loner.  

Just because you cannot find people you can relate to, or you are outcast for being weird, does not mean that there is something wrong with you.  And who the fuck cares if there is something wrong with you anyway?  In a society where celebrity is worshipped, and Rick Perry is running for president, you don't want to be right.

Be strong in your lonerness. Lonerness is not the same as loneliness.  Sometimes a book can be more of a companion than any human being.  Just because you are not constantly surrounded by fake people, with their fake smiles and fake reactions, does not mean you are alone.

Loners, be proud.  You are beautiful in your ability to be alone, and lucky to be able to appreciate the time you spend with you, the most important and time-worthy person in the whole fucking world.  Embrace your strength and independence, and love yourself as no one in the whole fucking world can.  

Because, in the end, all you have is yourself.  And no one deserves more of your time than you.

i'm getting old.

i want to get married.

now.

i really want to be taken out on a date
and get smashed
then smash...

is that really too much to ask for?

wake the fuck up.

shady, selfish, narcissistic, conceited, naive, condescending, lying, hypocritical, manipulative

Bitch, please.

LOL

Let's be honest.  My attitude is more like this:

everyone is a bore. no one understands me. i hate everything.


and i'm not even kidding.

i feel like there's so much i want to say but i don't exactly know what to say.

as if my memories were realities of a different dimension. it all feels familiar but not at all at the same time.

it's been a year since 4th of july already. so much has happened since then. everything is a blur. but i remember every detail of 4th of july last year so clearly--my friends. the heat. the wine. the green fireworks. the fucking.

why do i feel like i've lost a year of my life?

why is time slipping through my fingers, leaving me with nothing but glimpses of what used to bring me joy?

was i ever happy? am i happy now?

all i want is someone i can make out with in the movie theaters...

:(

i know this blog is supposed to be dedicated to my zooted musings but i am in dire need of a break.

1) i'm broke.

2) i become extremely irritable when i'm not faded.

3) my figure needs to be in tip top shape for the summer (smashes).

4) i've lost all motivation to go out and be social.

5) sober life has become a fucking drag.

all things aside, maybe sweet mary jane is, in fact, opening my mind to the truths of this ugly world and revealing to me all the right reasons to become a hermit.

your music sucks

i've faked it every single time.

peace

i found my joy again. i realized it as i was driving through downtown on my way to ralph's. the music was perfect and loud. the breeze squeezing through my window crack was pleasantly cool. the buildings...the sunset's purple reflection against the window panes...the disney concert hall. EJGWGJ)(@#h3ohfwe0293h...

i felt it again while i was smoking a spliff on my porch (sigh...i have a porch) and the grey cashmere cardigan i stole from my mom was the perfect choice for this dusk of young summer. and knowing that i made the right choice made me smile. i was listening to the symphony of the 101 nearby and watching airplanes straight out of hey arnold flying overhead. knowing that i had just accidentally stumbled upon this nug i was inhaling into my lungs made me laugh my ass off by myself and i wasn't even a little embarrassed about looking crazy.

i walked inside my little house, closed the windows, and fell into my blankie, perfectly thrown onto the sofa; x files paused on the screen ready to resume, poptarts and cookies my roomie brought home from her dad's house ready to be consumed...i am the happy loner.

for some reason, when i'm elevated, words just flow through my brain, and i like to write them down just to see if they're at all coherently fashioned when i read them sober.

DTF, mf

right now...i feel like i'm going to be sick.

i like lightly scratching my lips with long manicured nails.

i like q-tipping my earholes even if i hadn't taken a shower.

i like pushing on canks or burns inside my mouth with my tongue until they feel numb.

i like holding my breath after taking a rip until i feel like dying.

i like telling people exactly how i feel and what i want to do when i'm barred out.

i like eating just enough so that i don't feel like i'm going to be sick.

i like driving down totally random streets in LA and being spat out onto some familiar street.

i like loving someone and showering them with all possible expressions of love.

i like being inside with the lights off to watch the gradations of the sun paint my walls as it sets.

i like looking for the moon expecting to find some dinky shape in the sky but actually finding a big ass satellite.

perfect mistakes

and you're so high that you forg3t that you washed up and changed already and then suddenly realize you already did and you're so glad...

right?

that moment when you're super zooted and you'd been too lazy to get up and wash up for bed but you finally do because your computer's battery is drained and you need to go get the charger anyway so you get up and then you go brush your teeth and wash your face and do your whole bedtime routine and you shut the light off and finally get into bed in your jammies and come online...

xanax: a haiku

i opened the box.

hello kitty was not there.

just a pretty pill.

:D

"before you go to bed, just smile really hard in the dark and you'll wake up a new person."

roland barthes

 "je-t'-aime / I-love-you

The figure refers not to the declaration of love, to
the avowal, but to the repeated utterance of the love cry.

1. Once the first avowal has been made, "I love you" has no meaning whatever; it merely repeats in an enigmatic mode-so blank does it appear-the old message (which may not have been transmitted in these words)."

i get into car accidents when i'm upset

it's funny how when two people love each other, whether it be romantically or platonically, they become more and more like each other. taste, outlook, temperament, sense of humor, preferences, word choice...all these things seem to hybridize in some way when two people become closer and closer. it feels weird to go from having someone to share things with all the time to not having this person you've become so close and similar to around anymore. for instance, there's only one person i know who'd find it interesting that yoni means pussy in sanskrit. or that carl pilkington's show could possibly be the most incredible thing in the world. but i can't tell him any of this stuff for one reason or another. all i can do is thank that person for showing me things that i now love and hope that i could do the same for someone else. i guess all i can do now is stay gold, use my heart, and spread love as if i've got it trademarked.

remember when it was just fun? 

remember you said we'd stop when it's not fun anymore? 

i'm not having fun anymore.

i have some questions

d  y   v n m s s m ?

d d y  v n l v  m ?

d d    v r m  n  n th ng t y  ?

will i grow up from this?

yesterday i didn't cry at all. i probably cried an ocean this weekend but i learned that memories and emotions do not cleanse away with tears. they just leave me with puffy eyelids and salty skin. i've been smoking so many cigarettes the past few days--an excuse for me to take those few minutes to keep analyzing what had happened, what went wrong, why i'm putting myself through this. i realized what's more tragic and pathetic than unrequited love is beautiful, requited love between two irreconcilable souls. i wish i could just be like fuck it, forget about everything that's happened and go back to the way things were. but what's the point now? it was never the way i thought it was.

everything is temporary. 

i will probably never give my heart to anyone ever again but i guess that's worth not having to go through so much pain. i keep a smile on my face as if everything is okay but the truth is i still miss you and love you like a fool.

ily

imy

fuck yes.

heartbreak is a funny thing. it hurts like a mother fucker, probably more than any physical injury (or maybe not, i have no idea because i've never lost a limb or broken a bone); has no expiration date. one would think heartbreak, with all its pain and misery, would be an effective learning experience, but for me it has been everything but.

i find myself in the same situation every time i "fall in love." it always. ends. the same. way. maybe i'm stupid...or i guess i AM stupid. i fall in love too hard and too fast instead of letting myself go once i know feelings and expectations are mutual and the same. i can't help that i'm a sucker for love. but i guess i'm not really because love is supposed to be two-ways...not like this.

oddly enough, this time around hasn't been too whore-ible. maybe, in fact, i am learning something on my journey of love. or maybe it's because i have this conviction that i was wronged and deceived in some way that i feel as though moping is a waste of my fucking time. what's the point of wallowing when the other person doesn't give a shit and is moving along with their lives as if what we shared was, in fact, nothing more than...well, nothing?

and so i live on as if nothing had ever happened. as if i was never hurt. as if i had never been in love. as if i had never met him. because that's all i can do for now to cope with this unbelievable pain.

(somebody's dumb old tumblrrr)

I will never love again.

listening to my drunk dddaddd

stumbling around in his rooom 

makes mee so unbelievably sad.

d. i. s. g. u. s. t. i. n. g.

words

a thirst for knowledge that can only be quenched by whiskey

something comforting like wrinkles on faces or on the sleeves of vintage leather jackets

the blank blocks of the nocturnal cityscape sprayed with astral urine

sandy footsteps on cement

sad mumblings bleeding through the wall

the good pillow and cold blankets

our legs tangled with your navel against my back

"new pussy may hold the promise of something better but it sure as shit ain't love."

Hank Moody

these thoughts are unhealthy and i know that i'm driving myself crazy. i can't seem to love myself enough to be sane.

"If you want to be happy, be." 

Leo Tolstoy

i've brainwashed my own self

i want to say it's not the same anymore but it was never better in the first place.

things i want and would order if i were into online shopping

MODEKUNGEN <--this store is fucking dope

teeth ring

wing ring

chunky knit

a-wang copy knit

retro denim jacket

so hard to replace, so easy to be replaced

whoever (me) said that "if you pretend you don't care, you really won't care" is 

WRONG 

 

i'd never admit it to a living soul

but i just want to be famous

FAME

WHORE

time flies

nina-ism of the day:

whether or not you know what you want to do with your life,  if you put your effort into something instead of wasting away your time doing nothing, the universe will guide that energy to where it's naturally meant to be expended.

{image from http://www.fashion-canvas.com/}

don't be so amazing

or i'll miss you too much

{don't remember img src}

EDIT

i'm realizing how stupid it is to pour out every negative emotion onto my blog (although it is quite therapeutic) especially when those very people i am type-yelling at have access to it. so i've decided to edit most of my crazy woman posts. plus, i've been (sorta) cleansed of all the negativity that had culminated in what used to be this post so i think it's okay to delete it. however:

you are still sus as fuck.

my birthday weekend consisted of:

1) infants and hash

2) three parking tickets

3) laryngitis

4) UTI

but i'm not complaining :)

free

i tried

but all i want is *** (nothing more/less)

 

{tumblr}

edit

i'm trying to learn how to love--the no expectations, the free kind of love. 

i'm trying to learn how to share the beautiful things and people i come upon in life.

i'm trying to learn how to let things be instead of enforcing what my brain has been socialized to deem acceptable or appropriate.

i'm trying to learn how to celebrate change instead of obsessing over nostalgia and fond memories.

as my grasp gets firmer with time, the essence of what is so great seems to seep through the cracks between my fingers faster and faster. my mind knows there's nothing i can do about it..but every other part of me--my body, my heart, my spirit--instinctively tries to grab on tighter. in my head, i know that i have to let things be, let things flow, let things fall apart, fade, wilt naturally. yet my mind is so clouded by memories and feelings to realize that the end of one thing is only the beginning of something new. 

i was once told that i shouldn't hang bouquets of roses upside down on my wall to desiccate because flowers were meant to die. this is true but i was still sad to watch dead petals falling onto my desk until there was nothing left but a bald bulb.

i just need to remind myself that out in wasco there are fields of roses with over 50 million plants well and alive.

don't sweat the petty things

pet the sweaty things.

ooowwweeeee!!!!

just...wow

http://www.desiretoinspire.net/

i'm a sucker for ****

**** is blind...as in we are blind to what it is and IF it is until we realize at the end that it was.

but it only matters when reflections and conclusions are one and the same.

.

dead petals and leaves all over my fucking desk ew

{img src flickr}

i've been busy

hence the lack of posts.

what's happened since my last? valentine's day? vegas? lot's of v's!

but those are not the things i'm going to write about. instead i'm going to write about this crazy dream i had:

last night i had this dream that i was lady gaga's new playmate/stand in (i can't really tell...i just remember that we were dressed in fucking awesome matching outfits with crazy wigs and make-up on) and we were on this cruise with a bunch of people i know on our way to a place really familiar. i think i've been there before in another dream...this tropical paradise that was a boat's ride away from this beautiful island that looked so familiar. gaga kept on giving me drinks in which she would mix is drops of this black liquid that came in a bottle with an illegible label that somehow i construed as being the devil's blood. we would drink these drinks and soar through the skies and dive into the oceans but at the same time we'd be chased by these horrifying monsters or demons. and then i somehow found myself hiking on this path to the remote island with my best friend and i wasn't with gaga anymore and i was dressed in normal vacation clothes. on this path, we came across this abandoned bathroom and outside the bathroom were these ginormous animal traps with all these huge dead dogs stuck in them. and my best friend decided to open one of them to scare me and the animals in this one trap started to decompose right before my eyes and i couldn't stop gagging. then i ran into the bathroom stalls where i found my ex boyfriend having sex with a 14 year old black girl and sucking out her menstrual blood with a tampon and injecting the blood into her mouth. and for some reason i really really needed that tampon but i didn't want to go near it because i was convinced this girl was diseased. then i found my way to the island again...and that's all i remember.

today i was having lunch with my little brother and my mom and william asked me: "have you ever lost your dignity before?" and i instantly got chills because i specifically remember someone asking me the exact same question three times in my dreams. and i think my reply was "I sold my soul to the devil."

"Once you make a decision, 

the universe conspires to make it happen." 

-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

this crappy iphone picture just doesn't do justice for the beautiful sunset that was the backdrop for my grandfather's chapel ceremony. the orange and blue swirls in the sky casting a pink glow over all those grieving in the pews seemed to me like my grandfather's arms extending out to embrace all of us...to let us know he's in a better place. this funeral was a testament to the breadth of his influence and love...hundreds of people whole-heartedly hoping that he would just sit up from his coffin and climb out as if it were all a practical joke.

i'm sorry that i never visited you while you were hurting. i'm sorry that i always felt so uncomfortable around you even though you did nothing but love me as if i were your own grandchild. i will always remember you as the swagged out, stylish man you used to be when i first met you. love you, grandpa. rest in paradise.

i really don't ask for much. 

maybe that's why i never get anything from anyone.

i saw you today. but i didn't say hi. neither did you. i didn't know you still worked there. it's funny how some things never change. but i noticed that you cut your hair. i wonder if you noticed that i cut mine too. you always liked short hair. did you ever get that other job that you told me about? did you finally move out or did you stay because of your brother? how the fuck are you? was that even you? i wonder why we stopped talking. nothing bad ever happened. i texted you last year because i saw your name in my phonebook but you never responded. did you change your number? i'll probably never see you again but i hope you saw me today and was reminded of happier times as i was. take care, buddy.

i was in your house and we were watching tv in the dark. we were sitting far apart from each other. i could barely see you. feeling anxious and restless, i ran out for a second to have a cig but i couldn't get my lighter to work. i went back inside but you were gone. i could hear noises coming from the direction of your room as i walked towards it. you weren't there either. it was so dark. i could make out sounds coming from the room next to yours but i couldn't see what was making those sounds. maybe a radio? i don't know. no one was around though. and i felt scared, sad, and alone. then i woke up alone in my bed. crying again.

i choose to be happy today

that's right :)

{all images from random tumblrs}

jealousy is a disease.

jealousy is an ugly disease.

jealousy is an ugly and incurable disease.

:)

i always doubt my intuition and get myself into the fucking shittiest situations.

i need to stop convincing myself that i'm crazy because i'm not...

i'm just too smart for my own good.

{mama gaga on google}

on the other hand, i found some new inspirational interiors. i can't wait to move out and create a room of my own and kick it with my bitch virginia woolf.

{tumblrs}

and finally...

{tumblr}

i may be rude but i just don't give a flying fuck.

my morning musings

1) even during the shittiest of times, i can't help but be overwhelmed by the simple beauties of nature. like this:

{a view from my friend's apmt in nyc}

ever since i had that dream couple days ago, snow just seems to hit my soul extra hard. clean, white, untouched snow--it's like nature's glitter...beautiful.

2) maybe it's because i'm a cry-baby but once in awhile, it feels good to just bawl my eyeballs out.

3) is it necessary to stomp so loudly around the house? 

4) the pool looks mighty welcoming today...my paleness is starting to scare me. time to take advantage of this cali winter.

 {view from my backyard--see the contrast? LOL}

Dear Greenpeace,

Please stop taking money from my account if you are doing nothing more than handling your income from new donors. I am sick of getting emails notifying me of your never-ending preparation process for whaling interventions (or that the weather in the Atlantic was too brutal for an intervention on that day.) Please stop wasting your time whining and screaming about how things needs to be stopped or shut down and utilize that time to devise some solutions. We already know that the government is run by corporate giants who only have their self interest in mind. We already know that burning coal is environmentally unfriendly. We already know that cutting down rainforests is harmful to the ecosystem and indigenous people. None of us want this beautiful earth we call our home to waste away. But until you can offer some actual solutions, your charades can only be considered empty and counter-productive. I am starting to wonder whether you are, in fact, holding pinkies with the Establishment, running a huge money-making racket by exploiting the guilt-ridden public. Plus, I am broke. So just stop taking money from me. LOL.

Love,
moi.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. All my brain blood was in my boner."

i've been listening to al green all day and he's got me thinking about love. when i think back on all the relationships i've had and all the relationships i've witnessed through my friends, i can only think about how big of a deal those relationships used to be and are now only faint traces of what feels like dreams (or in my case nightmares.) but when it all comes down to it, every romantic relationship is fucking epic. you may be the type who only remembers the good. or you may be the type who only remembers the bad. or you may be the type who only remembers the good right after you break up and then replaces those memories with the worst ones to facilitate the process of forgetting. but we can't deny that at some point, every relationship meant the world to us. and that person meant the world to us. and this is why sometimes i feel so stupid and dull compared to people's previous lovers. but all in all, it's just amazing how the human heart functions when it comes to love...how it can go from complete yearning and desire to apathy in a matter of days, weeks, months, years, whatever. how can we love someone so much at one point and then not care about them at all the next? is that even real love? 

to me love should be something beyond romance...even when you're in a romantic relationship. love should be unconditional eternal without expectations unwarranted free. and by this definition, every relationship i've had was essentially loveless (at least on my part.) but i've kind of learned that relationships shouldn't be where i should look for love. actually, no one should ever look for love. it should just naturally bloom as it does in beautiful friendships. love shouldn't be forced or expected to be reciprocated. whatever happens happens. let it be. c'est la vie. oui oui. bonne nuit. <3

{image from someone's tumblr i don't remember lol}

01.23.11/4:30AM

my brother was in jail for arson and i was reliving his story in my dream as him. I was transported to the moment he was about to set the football on fire to destroy the school but right at that moment my brother (and my cousin Debby who was having problems of her own) turned around to face the world for one last moment and the world was so beautiful. all they--or we--can do was cry violently. there was snow and perfectly dimmed lights casting a soft glow over everything in sight. and at that moment, I--as my brother--somehow knew that everything was going to be alright. I felt a deep calm that I've never ever even felt before in real life...like the feeling you get when you're watching a dumb xmas movie and you know that all conflicts--no matter their weight or triviality--are going to be resolved just because it's the holidays. i wish i could see the world that way every day.

{image from i don't remember where}

outside my window there is a tree

but what i see is a tree barfing glitter.

damn...

my dream is to be able to dance like that LOL

"who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens"

to all the lonely people in the world:

if you ever need attentive ears or just a shoulder to cry on without having to give a reason, i'm here for you.

love, me.

the Cowardly Lion asked for just a heart but i'm asking for one cast in Tungsten.

WHOA

this blog is so negative. 

time to refresh!

 LOL

fuck.

today is just one of those days when the easiest things to do all seem like an effort. actually, every fucking thing is an effort today. just as we need space from parents, friends, lovers, whomever from time to time, i feel like i need space from my Life too (if that makes any sense.) i kind of wish we functioned like robots so that we can just turn ourselves off sometimes in order to escape and just refresh ourselves when people and duties become overbearing. but i guess as humans, we were just made to suck it up and deal with things. even if i were to drop everything and just jet it to sao paulo for some me time, i'll eventually have to come back and deal with all the shit that was pissing me off or stressing me out if i really want to achieve some kind of inner peace. i guess it was a good idea for me to start this blog since my usual outlets of frustration have been uninspired of late...another reason why i feel so not stellar these days. 

recently i was thinking about how creative i used to be. out of all my friends or family members, i was always the "creative, artsy" one. but when did this change? i feel like i've kind of lost myself in the last couple months...years...so preoccupied with the most pointless, meaningless shit in my life that i've almost completely lost touch with who i used to be. i used to blame my surroundings, convincing myself that i wasn't surrounded by enough inspirational people or things in order to create. but this was a lie because my surroundings have barely changed and inspiration comes from within as much as from some external source. i also blamed school for turning my passion into something academic by assigning projects and conceptualization as homework and as something to be graded. then i thought maybe i was just "growing up"--whatever the fuck that means--and had to reprioritize my life based on an "adult" mentality that somehow excluded what i love to do. but that doesn't make any sense either. in the end, there is only one thing to blame and that is myself--a culmination of laziness, lack of motivation, a cynical lense on the world, and a disease-like ennui that i can only be ashamed of. i just want to see the world through rose-colored glasses again. i just want to regain my appreciation for the most significant to the most negligible things in life. and for a bit, i thought this was possible...but all for the wrong reasons.

only i can change me. that's what i realized. no one--not my friends, not my family, not the love of my fucking life--can hit me over the head with a sledge hammer and tell me that this has got to stop except myself. and i'm telling myself now...this has got to fucking stop. 

 {source: fashiongonerogue}

everything sweet always comes to an end but only so that it can make room for something sweeter.

mom and dad

i turned into a crying baby the instant i came home and saw my parents. they will always welcome me home with open arms and smiling faces, no matter how i leave or how long i'm gone. i don't think i'll ever understand the kind of love they have for me until i have a kid of my own. hopefully the inevitable awkwardness will soon subside and we'll be able to build a more honest and foundational relationship.

my room is my sanctuary

maybe it's because my mom is an interior designer but i've always been turned on by such lovely interiors.

 

{all images from random people's tumblrs}

"just man up"

i'll be completely honest: i've been slacking. i could be so much further down the road by now but i've been distracted by the petty shit in life. i just really suck at prioritizing and a lot of the times i value short-lived pleasure over long-term satisfaction. i guess that's my biggest problem...being too much of a "in-the-moment," "go-with-the-flow" kind of person. i go with the flow when the flow has no destination so i just end up floating and rotting in stagnant waters. but this has got to stop. i'm a woman with goals in life. with determination. with drive. i have passions. dreams. desires. i need to stop wasting my time and make sure these dreams are realized and see to it that my goals come into fruition. i can't stand being stuck in this slump anymore...i want to live my life as it's supposed to be lived--with fervor and a purpose.

all of this means one thing: i'm going to have to cut out a lot of useless shit from my life. sacrifices. i guess i don't know much about them. i've been blessed and fortunate to say the least. but i'm going to have to make a lot of sacrifices if i want to do what i want to do. i've been naive enough to place importance on the most hopeless shit in my life that aren't going anywhere...but now i know better (i think.) i need to grow the fuck up, acknowledge the truth even if it hurts (because in my heart i know too well what the truth is), and move on. and that is exactly what i will do.

and if anyone has a problem with that, they can go fuck themselves for all i care.

the only honest person in the world...

is something still worth pursuing if you're only duped into feeling happy?

lusting

Oh. My. Gosh. I knew Burberry Prorsum would be on my radar ever since I saw their iconic fur coats and aviator jackets that were all the rage a couple seasons ago. And they continued to impress me with their simple yet punk barbed wire inspired jewelry and studded-to-the-bone bags. but THIS! this just solidifies my love. whether or not studs are still relevant is not my concern. to me they're still punk as fuck.

 

(img src: all runway images from style.com; editorial image from fashiongonerogue.com)