why am i so immature?

after reading this entry, which i haven't even written yet, i know i'm going to be embarrassed by how much i sound like a whiny high schooler with out-of-control emotions and anger management problems.  i can't even blame puberty or hormones anymore.  i just have to accept that i have some major emotional issues i need to actively try to tend to and that i will never be happy in any relationship EVER if i don't.

i don't know why my boyfriend makes me so angry all the time.  and every time we fight, i can't help but blame myself because i'm usually the one that starts the fight.  i know i'm sensitive.  i know i'm insecure and have a hard time trusting my boyfriend even when it's illogical and irrational not to.  i know i have a short fuse.  although i am aware of all these flaws, it's so fucking hard to change myself.

i keep thinking, "what happened to the Michelle that he first met? the cool-headed, easy going Michelle?"  i try to remind myself of how i used to be when i was still getting to know him and still had my guard up.  i want to be that Michelle again.  but why is it so hard to be?  

but then again...is it really me who has changed?  or is it our relationship that has soured?  do all couples get to a point where they become too comfortable with each other to the point of losing a bit of respect and courtesy?  i don't think so.  i'm scared that these recent and recurring fights signify an end.  

i really hope it's just me.  i need help.

i have dreams in which everything is the same as in reality...including us.  and in my recent dreams, i always feel this emptiness.  like "we" exist, but you're not there.  i keep looking for you in my dreams.  and you're never there.  i don't like how that feels.  

all i want is a phone call.  i hope i haven't scared you away.

something new

right now i am so high off painkillers that i don't even want to use punctuation and i know i took too much because my chest is hurting i knew i shouldn't have taken that last quarter but i can never feel it until i take too much

i'm listening to goth music and i don't even know if that's the right name for this

i'm still angry and annoyed even though i took these pills to not feel this way but maybe i don't really feel that way because i'm high but my mind is just trying to convince/remind me that i do

and i wait for you to call me because that's all i want but why would you when i keep pushing you away as i do i'm so fucked up (to you) i wish you could always read me and always know exactly what i want and do everything that i want you to do all the time

i wish life were fair and gave me everything i wanted all the time i wish life would go as i plan and want it to go but it never does never ever ever

will i ever be happy or is this what being happy is supposed to feel why do i always ruin everything why don't i have any self control fucking discipline i hate myself

why can't i just be the person i want to be why am i such a fuck up

i thought these pills are supposed to make me feel better