i have dreams in which everything is the same as in reality...including us.  and in my recent dreams, i always feel this emptiness.  like "we" exist, but you're not there.  i keep looking for you in my dreams.  and you're never there.  i don't like how that feels.  

all i want is a phone call.  i hope i haven't scared you away.

something new

right now i am so high off painkillers that i don't even want to use punctuation and i know i took too much because my chest is hurting i knew i shouldn't have taken that last quarter but i can never feel it until i take too much

i'm listening to goth music and i don't even know if that's the right name for this

i'm still angry and annoyed even though i took these pills to not feel this way but maybe i don't really feel that way because i'm high but my mind is just trying to convince/remind me that i do

and i wait for you to call me because that's all i want but why would you when i keep pushing you away as i do i'm so fucked up (to you) i wish you could always read me and always know exactly what i want and do everything that i want you to do all the time

i wish life were fair and gave me everything i wanted all the time i wish life would go as i plan and want it to go but it never does never ever ever

will i ever be happy or is this what being happy is supposed to feel why do i always ruin everything why don't i have any self control fucking discipline i hate myself

why can't i just be the person i want to be why am i such a fuck up

i thought these pills are supposed to make me feel better