i'm a sucker for ****

**** is blind...as in we are blind to what it is and IF it is until we realize at the end that it was.

but it only matters when reflections and conclusions are one and the same.

.

dead petals and leaves all over my fucking desk ew

{img src flickr}

i've been busy

hence the lack of posts.

what's happened since my last? valentine's day? vegas? lot's of v's!

but those are not the things i'm going to write about. instead i'm going to write about this crazy dream i had:

last night i had this dream that i was lady gaga's new playmate/stand in (i can't really tell...i just remember that we were dressed in fucking awesome matching outfits with crazy wigs and make-up on) and we were on this cruise with a bunch of people i know on our way to a place really familiar. i think i've been there before in another dream...this tropical paradise that was a boat's ride away from this beautiful island that looked so familiar. gaga kept on giving me drinks in which she would mix is drops of this black liquid that came in a bottle with an illegible label that somehow i construed as being the devil's blood. we would drink these drinks and soar through the skies and dive into the oceans but at the same time we'd be chased by these horrifying monsters or demons. and then i somehow found myself hiking on this path to the remote island with my best friend and i wasn't with gaga anymore and i was dressed in normal vacation clothes. on this path, we came across this abandoned bathroom and outside the bathroom were these ginormous animal traps with all these huge dead dogs stuck in them. and my best friend decided to open one of them to scare me and the animals in this one trap started to decompose right before my eyes and i couldn't stop gagging. then i ran into the bathroom stalls where i found my ex boyfriend having sex with a 14 year old black girl and sucking out her menstrual blood with a tampon and injecting the blood into her mouth. and for some reason i really really needed that tampon but i didn't want to go near it because i was convinced this girl was diseased. then i found my way to the island again...and that's all i remember.

today i was having lunch with my little brother and my mom and william asked me: "have you ever lost your dignity before?" and i instantly got chills because i specifically remember someone asking me the exact same question three times in my dreams. and i think my reply was "I sold my soul to the devil."

"Once you make a decision, 

the universe conspires to make it happen." 

-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

this crappy iphone picture just doesn't do justice for the beautiful sunset that was the backdrop for my grandfather's chapel ceremony. the orange and blue swirls in the sky casting a pink glow over all those grieving in the pews seemed to me like my grandfather's arms extending out to embrace all of us...to let us know he's in a better place. this funeral was a testament to the breadth of his influence and love...hundreds of people whole-heartedly hoping that he would just sit up from his coffin and climb out as if it were all a practical joke.

i'm sorry that i never visited you while you were hurting. i'm sorry that i always felt so uncomfortable around you even though you did nothing but love me as if i were your own grandchild. i will always remember you as the swagged out, stylish man you used to be when i first met you. love you, grandpa. rest in paradise.

i really don't ask for much. 

maybe that's why i never get anything from anyone.

i saw you today. but i didn't say hi. neither did you. i didn't know you still worked there. it's funny how some things never change. but i noticed that you cut your hair. i wonder if you noticed that i cut mine too. you always liked short hair. did you ever get that other job that you told me about? did you finally move out or did you stay because of your brother? how the fuck are you? was that even you? i wonder why we stopped talking. nothing bad ever happened. i texted you last year because i saw your name in my phonebook but you never responded. did you change your number? i'll probably never see you again but i hope you saw me today and was reminded of happier times as i was. take care, buddy.

i was in your house and we were watching tv in the dark. we were sitting far apart from each other. i could barely see you. feeling anxious and restless, i ran out for a second to have a cig but i couldn't get my lighter to work. i went back inside but you were gone. i could hear noises coming from the direction of your room as i walked towards it. you weren't there either. it was so dark. i could make out sounds coming from the room next to yours but i couldn't see what was making those sounds. maybe a radio? i don't know. no one was around though. and i felt scared, sad, and alone. then i woke up alone in my bed. crying again.

i choose to be happy today

that's right :)

{all images from random tumblrs}