it's better left unsaid.

why am i so immature?

after reading this entry, which i haven't even written yet, i know i'm going to be embarrassed by how much i sound like a whiny high schooler with out-of-control emotions and anger management problems.  i can't even blame puberty or hormones anymore.  i just have to accept that i have some major emotional issues i need to actively try to tend to and that i will never be happy in any relationship EVER if i don't.

i don't know why my boyfriend makes me so angry all the time.  and every time we fight, i can't help but blame myself because i'm usually the one that starts the fight.  i know i'm sensitive.  i know i'm insecure and have a hard time trusting my boyfriend even when it's illogical and irrational not to.  i know i have a short fuse.  although i am aware of all these flaws, it's so fucking hard to change myself.

i keep thinking, "what happened to the Michelle that he first met? the cool-headed, easy going Michelle?"  i try to remind myself of how i used to be when i was still getting to know him and still had my guard up.  i want to be that Michelle again.  but why is it so hard to be?  

but then again...is it really me who has changed?  or is it our relationship that has soured?  do all couples get to a point where they become too comfortable with each other to the point of losing a bit of respect and courtesy?  i don't think so.  i'm scared that these recent and recurring fights signify an end.  

i really hope it's just me.  i need help.

i have dreams in which everything is the same as in reality...including us.  and in my recent dreams, i always feel this emptiness.  like "we" exist, but you're not there.  i keep looking for you in my dreams.  and you're never there.  i don't like how that feels.  

all i want is a phone call.  i hope i haven't scared you away.

something new

right now i am so high off painkillers that i don't even want to use punctuation and i know i took too much because my chest is hurting i knew i shouldn't have taken that last quarter but i can never feel it until i take too much

i'm listening to goth music and i don't even know if that's the right name for this

i'm still angry and annoyed even though i took these pills to not feel this way but maybe i don't really feel that way because i'm high but my mind is just trying to convince/remind me that i do

and i wait for you to call me because that's all i want but why would you when i keep pushing you away as i do i'm so fucked up (to you) i wish you could always read me and always know exactly what i want and do everything that i want you to do all the time

i wish life were fair and gave me everything i wanted all the time i wish life would go as i plan and want it to go but it never does never ever ever

will i ever be happy or is this what being happy is supposed to feel why do i always ruin everything why don't i have any self control fucking discipline i hate myself

why can't i just be the person i want to be why am i such a fuck up

i thought these pills are supposed to make me feel better

Loners, be proud.

Dear Loners,

Don't ever fall for the bullshit that you are fed by our collectivist society.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a loner.  

Just because you cannot find people you can relate to, or you are outcast for being weird, does not mean that there is something wrong with you.  And who the fuck cares if there is something wrong with you anyway?  In a society where celebrity is worshipped, and Rick Perry is running for president, you don't want to be right.

Be strong in your lonerness. Lonerness is not the same as loneliness.  Sometimes a book can be more of a companion than any human being.  Just because you are not constantly surrounded by fake people, with their fake smiles and fake reactions, does not mean you are alone.

Loners, be proud.  You are beautiful in your ability to be alone, and lucky to be able to appreciate the time you spend with you, the most important and time-worthy person in the whole fucking world.  Embrace your strength and independence, and love yourself as no one in the whole fucking world can.  

Because, in the end, all you have is yourself.  And no one deserves more of your time than you.

i'm getting old.

i want to get married.

now.

i really want to be taken out on a date
and get smashed
then smash...

is that really too much to ask for?

wake the fuck up.

shady, selfish, narcissistic, conceited, naive, condescending, lying, hypocritical, manipulative

Bitch, please.

LOL

Let's be honest.  My attitude is more like this:

everyone is a bore. no one understands me. i hate everything.


and i'm not even kidding.

i feel like there's so much i want to say but i don't exactly know what to say.

as if my memories were realities of a different dimension. it all feels familiar but not at all at the same time.

it's been a year since 4th of july already. so much has happened since then. everything is a blur. but i remember every detail of 4th of july last year so clearly--my friends. the heat. the wine. the green fireworks. the fucking.

why do i feel like i've lost a year of my life?

why is time slipping through my fingers, leaving me with nothing but glimpses of what used to bring me joy?

was i ever happy? am i happy now?

all i want is someone i can make out with in the movie theaters...

:(

i know this blog is supposed to be dedicated to my zooted musings but i am in dire need of a break.

1) i'm broke.

2) i become extremely irritable when i'm not faded.

3) my figure needs to be in tip top shape for the summer (smashes).

4) i've lost all motivation to go out and be social.

5) sober life has become a fucking drag.

all things aside, maybe sweet mary jane is, in fact, opening my mind to the truths of this ugly world and revealing to me all the right reasons to become a hermit.

your music sucks

i've faked it every single time.

peace

i found my joy again. i realized it as i was driving through downtown on my way to ralph's. the music was perfect and loud. the breeze squeezing through my window crack was pleasantly cool. the buildings...the sunset's purple reflection against the window panes...the disney concert hall. EJGWGJ)(@#h3ohfwe0293h...

i felt it again while i was smoking a spliff on my porch (sigh...i have a porch) and the grey cashmere cardigan i stole from my mom was the perfect choice for this dusk of young summer. and knowing that i made the right choice made me smile. i was listening to the symphony of the 101 nearby and watching airplanes straight out of hey arnold flying overhead. knowing that i had just accidentally stumbled upon this nug i was inhaling into my lungs made me laugh my ass off by myself and i wasn't even a little embarrassed about looking crazy.

i walked inside my little house, closed the windows, and fell into my blankie, perfectly thrown onto the sofa; x files paused on the screen ready to resume, poptarts and cookies my roomie brought home from her dad's house ready to be consumed...i am the happy loner.

for some reason, when i'm elevated, words just flow through my brain, and i like to write them down just to see if they're at all coherently fashioned when i read them sober.

DTF, mf

right now...i feel like i'm going to be sick.

i like lightly scratching my lips with long manicured nails.

i like q-tipping my earholes even if i hadn't taken a shower.

i like pushing on canks or burns inside my mouth with my tongue until they feel numb.

i like holding my breath after taking a rip until i feel like dying.

i like telling people exactly how i feel and what i want to do when i'm barred out.

i like eating just enough so that i don't feel like i'm going to be sick.

i like driving down totally random streets in LA and being spat out onto some familiar street.

i like loving someone and showering them with all possible expressions of love.

i like being inside with the lights off to watch the gradations of the sun paint my walls as it sets.

i like looking for the moon expecting to find some dinky shape in the sky but actually finding a big ass satellite.

perfect mistakes

and you're so high that you forg3t that you washed up and changed already and then suddenly realize you already did and you're so glad...

right?

that moment when you're super zooted and you'd been too lazy to get up and wash up for bed but you finally do because your computer's battery is drained and you need to go get the charger anyway so you get up and then you go brush your teeth and wash your face and do your whole bedtime routine and you shut the light off and finally get into bed in your jammies and come online...