i'm getting old.

i want to get married.

now.

i really want to be taken out on a date
and get smashed
then smash...

is that really too much to ask for?

wake the fuck up.

shady, selfish, narcissistic, conceited, naive, condescending, lying, hypocritical, manipulative

Bitch, please.

LOL

Let's be honest.  My attitude is more like this:

everyone is a bore. no one understands me. i hate everything.


and i'm not even kidding.

i feel like there's so much i want to say but i don't exactly know what to say.

as if my memories were realities of a different dimension. it all feels familiar but not at all at the same time.

it's been a year since 4th of july already. so much has happened since then. everything is a blur. but i remember every detail of 4th of july last year so clearly--my friends. the heat. the wine. the green fireworks. the fucking.

why do i feel like i've lost a year of my life?

why is time slipping through my fingers, leaving me with nothing but glimpses of what used to bring me joy?

was i ever happy? am i happy now?

all i want is someone i can make out with in the movie theaters...

:(

i know this blog is supposed to be dedicated to my zooted musings but i am in dire need of a break.

1) i'm broke.

2) i become extremely irritable when i'm not faded.

3) my figure needs to be in tip top shape for the summer (smashes).

4) i've lost all motivation to go out and be social.

5) sober life has become a fucking drag.

all things aside, maybe sweet mary jane is, in fact, opening my mind to the truths of this ugly world and revealing to me all the right reasons to become a hermit.

your music sucks

i've faked it every single time.

peace

i found my joy again. i realized it as i was driving through downtown on my way to ralph's. the music was perfect and loud. the breeze squeezing through my window crack was pleasantly cool. the buildings...the sunset's purple reflection against the window panes...the disney concert hall. EJGWGJ)(@#h3ohfwe0293h...

i felt it again while i was smoking a spliff on my porch (sigh...i have a porch) and the grey cashmere cardigan i stole from my mom was the perfect choice for this dusk of young summer. and knowing that i made the right choice made me smile. i was listening to the symphony of the 101 nearby and watching airplanes straight out of hey arnold flying overhead. knowing that i had just accidentally stumbled upon this nug i was inhaling into my lungs made me laugh my ass off by myself and i wasn't even a little embarrassed about looking crazy.

i walked inside my little house, closed the windows, and fell into my blankie, perfectly thrown onto the sofa; x files paused on the screen ready to resume, poptarts and cookies my roomie brought home from her dad's house ready to be consumed...i am the happy loner.