why am i so immature?

after reading this entry, which i haven't even written yet, i know i'm going to be embarrassed by how much i sound like a whiny high schooler with out-of-control emotions and anger management problems.  i can't even blame puberty or hormones anymore.  i just have to accept that i have some major emotional issues i need to actively try to tend to and that i will never be happy in any relationship EVER if i don't.

i don't know why my boyfriend makes me so angry all the time.  and every time we fight, i can't help but blame myself because i'm usually the one that starts the fight.  i know i'm sensitive.  i know i'm insecure and have a hard time trusting my boyfriend even when it's illogical and irrational not to.  i know i have a short fuse.  although i am aware of all these flaws, it's so fucking hard to change myself.

i keep thinking, "what happened to the Michelle that he first met? the cool-headed, easy going Michelle?"  i try to remind myself of how i used to be when i was still getting to know him and still had my guard up.  i want to be that Michelle again.  but why is it so hard to be?  

but then again...is it really me who has changed?  or is it our relationship that has soured?  do all couples get to a point where they become too comfortable with each other to the point of losing a bit of respect and courtesy?  i don't think so.  i'm scared that these recent and recurring fights signify an end.  

i really hope it's just me.  i need help.

i have dreams in which everything is the same as in reality...including us.  and in my recent dreams, i always feel this emptiness.  like "we" exist, but you're not there.  i keep looking for you in my dreams.  and you're never there.  i don't like how that feels.  

all i want is a phone call.  i hope i haven't scared you away.

something new

right now i am so high off painkillers that i don't even want to use punctuation and i know i took too much because my chest is hurting i knew i shouldn't have taken that last quarter but i can never feel it until i take too much

i'm listening to goth music and i don't even know if that's the right name for this

i'm still angry and annoyed even though i took these pills to not feel this way but maybe i don't really feel that way because i'm high but my mind is just trying to convince/remind me that i do

and i wait for you to call me because that's all i want but why would you when i keep pushing you away as i do i'm so fucked up (to you) i wish you could always read me and always know exactly what i want and do everything that i want you to do all the time

i wish life were fair and gave me everything i wanted all the time i wish life would go as i plan and want it to go but it never does never ever ever

will i ever be happy or is this what being happy is supposed to feel why do i always ruin everything why don't i have any self control fucking discipline i hate myself

why can't i just be the person i want to be why am i such a fuck up

i thought these pills are supposed to make me feel better

Loners, be proud.

Dear Loners,

Don't ever fall for the bullshit that you are fed by our collectivist society.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a loner.  

Just because you cannot find people you can relate to, or you are outcast for being weird, does not mean that there is something wrong with you.  And who the fuck cares if there is something wrong with you anyway?  In a society where celebrity is worshipped, and Rick Perry is running for president, you don't want to be right.

Be strong in your lonerness. Lonerness is not the same as loneliness.  Sometimes a book can be more of a companion than any human being.  Just because you are not constantly surrounded by fake people, with their fake smiles and fake reactions, does not mean you are alone.

Loners, be proud.  You are beautiful in your ability to be alone, and lucky to be able to appreciate the time you spend with you, the most important and time-worthy person in the whole fucking world.  Embrace your strength and independence, and love yourself as no one in the whole fucking world can.  

Because, in the end, all you have is yourself.  And no one deserves more of your time than you.

i'm getting old.

i want to get married.

now.

i really want to be taken out on a date
and get smashed
then smash...

is that really too much to ask for?

wake the fuck up.

shady, selfish, narcissistic, conceited, naive, condescending, lying, hypocritical, manipulative

Bitch, please.

LOL

Let's be honest.  My attitude is more like this:

everyone is a bore. no one understands me. i hate everything.


and i'm not even kidding.

i feel like there's so much i want to say but i don't exactly know what to say.

as if my memories were realities of a different dimension. it all feels familiar but not at all at the same time.

it's been a year since 4th of july already. so much has happened since then. everything is a blur. but i remember every detail of 4th of july last year so clearly--my friends. the heat. the wine. the green fireworks. the fucking.

why do i feel like i've lost a year of my life?

why is time slipping through my fingers, leaving me with nothing but glimpses of what used to bring me joy?

was i ever happy? am i happy now?