jealousy is a disease.

jealousy is an ugly disease.

jealousy is an ugly and incurable disease.

:)

i always doubt my intuition and get myself into the fucking shittiest situations.

i need to stop convincing myself that i'm crazy because i'm not...

i'm just too smart for my own good.

{mama gaga on google}

on the other hand, i found some new inspirational interiors. i can't wait to move out and create a room of my own and kick it with my bitch virginia woolf.

{tumblrs}

and finally...

{tumblr}

i may be rude but i just don't give a flying fuck.

my morning musings

1) even during the shittiest of times, i can't help but be overwhelmed by the simple beauties of nature. like this:

{a view from my friend's apmt in nyc}

ever since i had that dream couple days ago, snow just seems to hit my soul extra hard. clean, white, untouched snow--it's like nature's glitter...beautiful.

2) maybe it's because i'm a cry-baby but once in awhile, it feels good to just bawl my eyeballs out.

3) is it necessary to stomp so loudly around the house? 

4) the pool looks mighty welcoming today...my paleness is starting to scare me. time to take advantage of this cali winter.

 {view from my backyard--see the contrast? LOL}

Dear Greenpeace,

Please stop taking money from my account if you are doing nothing more than handling your income from new donors. I am sick of getting emails notifying me of your never-ending preparation process for whaling interventions (or that the weather in the Atlantic was too brutal for an intervention on that day.) Please stop wasting your time whining and screaming about how things needs to be stopped or shut down and utilize that time to devise some solutions. We already know that the government is run by corporate giants who only have their self interest in mind. We already know that burning coal is environmentally unfriendly. We already know that cutting down rainforests is harmful to the ecosystem and indigenous people. None of us want this beautiful earth we call our home to waste away. But until you can offer some actual solutions, your charades can only be considered empty and counter-productive. I am starting to wonder whether you are, in fact, holding pinkies with the Establishment, running a huge money-making racket by exploiting the guilt-ridden public. Plus, I am broke. So just stop taking money from me. LOL.

Love,
moi.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. All my brain blood was in my boner."

i've been listening to al green all day and he's got me thinking about love. when i think back on all the relationships i've had and all the relationships i've witnessed through my friends, i can only think about how big of a deal those relationships used to be and are now only faint traces of what feels like dreams (or in my case nightmares.) but when it all comes down to it, every romantic relationship is fucking epic. you may be the type who only remembers the good. or you may be the type who only remembers the bad. or you may be the type who only remembers the good right after you break up and then replaces those memories with the worst ones to facilitate the process of forgetting. but we can't deny that at some point, every relationship meant the world to us. and that person meant the world to us. and this is why sometimes i feel so stupid and dull compared to people's previous lovers. but all in all, it's just amazing how the human heart functions when it comes to love...how it can go from complete yearning and desire to apathy in a matter of days, weeks, months, years, whatever. how can we love someone so much at one point and then not care about them at all the next? is that even real love? 

to me love should be something beyond romance...even when you're in a romantic relationship. love should be unconditional eternal without expectations unwarranted free. and by this definition, every relationship i've had was essentially loveless (at least on my part.) but i've kind of learned that relationships shouldn't be where i should look for love. actually, no one should ever look for love. it should just naturally bloom as it does in beautiful friendships. love shouldn't be forced or expected to be reciprocated. whatever happens happens. let it be. c'est la vie. oui oui. bonne nuit. <3

{image from someone's tumblr i don't remember lol}

01.23.11/4:30AM

my brother was in jail for arson and i was reliving his story in my dream as him. I was transported to the moment he was about to set the football on fire to destroy the school but right at that moment my brother (and my cousin Debby who was having problems of her own) turned around to face the world for one last moment and the world was so beautiful. all they--or we--can do was cry violently. there was snow and perfectly dimmed lights casting a soft glow over everything in sight. and at that moment, I--as my brother--somehow knew that everything was going to be alright. I felt a deep calm that I've never ever even felt before in real life...like the feeling you get when you're watching a dumb xmas movie and you know that all conflicts--no matter their weight or triviality--are going to be resolved just because it's the holidays. i wish i could see the world that way every day.

{image from i don't remember where}

outside my window there is a tree

but what i see is a tree barfing glitter.

damn...

my dream is to be able to dance like that LOL

"who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens"

to all the lonely people in the world:

if you ever need attentive ears or just a shoulder to cry on without having to give a reason, i'm here for you.

love, me.

the Cowardly Lion asked for just a heart but i'm asking for one cast in Tungsten.